Saturday, August 28, 2010

Roadkill Rattlesnake

What it means to cook food well is find a nice fresh rattlesnake road kill and make some magic. After gently removing the specimen from the side of any two lane highway place it into a cooler filled with ice. Always obtain your ingredients from a proper location.

Upon returning place the juicy morsel in a slurry marinate of hand squeezed Florida orange juice with all the pulp, ground sandspurs, sea oil, sea salt, a smidgeon of lime juice, Tupelo Florida honey, diced leaves from the White Tupelo tree, ¼ cup hearts of palm, the crushed shells from two spiny lobsters and 6 and ½ cups of Florida moonshine or white lightening. When in season minced stone crab claws can be substituted for the spiny lobster shells. Florida moonshine also known as white lightening can be purchased on any rural road south of Lake Okeechobee. Marinate for approximately three weeks inside the garage refrigerator.

After marination is complete remove reptile and firmly wrap in Black Tupelo Tree leaves and place in the Florida sun for 45 minutes. The reptile concoction needs to be placed immediately in the freezer behind the frozen shrimp bait. During hurricane season use a back up generator to keep the fridge working and the beer chilled.

The rattlesnake road kill can be kept in the freezer for 24 years or till your in-laws from the north come for a two week visit. Remove the reptile from the freezer and leave to thaw overnight on the laminate countertop in the kitchen. Place a beach towel beneath the delicacy to absorb all the drippings. The towel can be used later at the local swimming hole to attract other reptiles.

Slice the reptile with a hacksaw on the tailgate of your truck. Wear your safety goggles and gloves. Have one of the kids (older than 6) light up the outdoor grill in your front yard or dig a six foot hole. Sinkholes work fairly well. Never use gasoline to start the grill. It makes the rattlesnake taste funny. After the grill has been smoking for 16 minutes place a wild boar in the bottom of the pit. Do not attempt this if you have a metal grill. The wild boar will not fit.

Place the road kill rattlesnake skin side down in the cast iron kettle. Add three cups of lard to the kettle and cook for 36 minutes. Place on a bed of seaweed plucked from the gulf side. Remove the twelve pack of Ybor Gold from the garage refrigerator and serve to all guests and in-laws before the main course.

Alternatives for cooking road kill rattlesnake – skewer the sliced reptile and place directly in the coals. This version has lower fat content and can be eaten right off the metal rods. No plated or knives are needed. This makes a wonderful tailgate picnic while camping in the Withlacoochee State Forest or on the run from the Florida Fish, Game and Wildlife Society.

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