Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Alice in Stumbleland

The wedding of Sur Amboy Westerfield and Sur Parrish Eastonville has been dubbed the wedding of the century. The ceremony took place on a dark and dreary day in the middle of the town square in the quaint little town of Salem. Giant elm trees were beautifully decorated with ropes hanging high from heavy limbs. Hemp ropes, nylon ropes and old clothesline ropes were tied with uneven square knots. A raised plywood platform was erected for the event. Silver potts filled with St. John's Wort and Salvia adorned the perimeter. Old wooden church pews were used as guest seating. Sur Amboy the groom was attired in a chocolate brown silk robe hemmed in Belgeem tatted lace. Whalebone buttons stretched from neck to midcalf. Kneelength black biker shorts with padded rear exterior matched perfectly to the black leather work boots. An heirloom outfit passed down from centuries of secrecy. His nosegay was a voluptous peace rose. Sur Parrish the groomette walked down the aisle in a gown from the Martine Stalwart collection. It was an old lace tablecloth from the clearance section from a local thriftless store. Sur Parrish's long grayed locks were braided and wrapped around his head in a turban facade. The groomette carried a faded silk flower arrangement complete with years and years of dust and neglect.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

My Book

I have decided to write a book. My book will be about two gay fictional wizards who enter into matrimony. I need to achieve this project as soon as poosible. I understand that 'he who cannot be named' will spend the rest of his term in office obtaining a constitutional amendment banning marriage between fictious gay characters. This has priority over bombing Iran. So it is important that I begin writing this particular book as it will quite possibly stop the bombing in Iran. "In order to protect the sanctity of marriage in the real world, we must first protect the sanctity of marriage in fiction," by 'he who cannot be named. Hello! It's fiction. So my imagination may be censored.

Chapter 1

You are most cordially invited to the wedding of Sur Amboy Westerfield and Sur Parrish Eastonville. The ceremony will take place in the free swinging village of Salem at the Church of Faux Wizardry and Magic at approximately high noon. Valet parking for brooms and carpets will be available. Prior registration for black cat boarding can be obtained through your crystal ball association. Items of interest, toads and eye of newt in lieu of gifts or money are always appreciated. A reception will immediately follow at Pungo Pizza. Please stay away from the water it is believed to be haunted and treacherous.

Monday, October 29, 2007


I am a little confused and annoyed. I thought that the first amendment authorized us with Free Speech? Right now I am not so sure. I know that I can make no threatening, obscene or deflamtory remarks. According to Wikipedia there are restrictions. Yes, I am aware of them, well some of them. Speaking publicaly outside a free speech zone. I hadn't realized there were zones. So where are the zones? I should be able to use my imagination and write these words down and publish them? I would not be using profanities, threats or divulging company secrets. So in the future I may be restricted form exploring my imagination and writing works of fantasy that do not comply with 'he who must not be named' moral codes. Where have we come from and where are we going?

Sunday, October 28, 2007


I'm a loser. Yes, I lose stuff. Lots of stuff. Stuff that is important and precious to me. I just lose it. I could change the words to the song, 'Just beat it', to 'Just lose it'. Yesterday I lost my pin drive. It was lost quietly without fanfare or notice. I looked on my keychain and it was GONE. Too many places visited to backtrack and look for it. I had visions of the pin drive in the parking lot of the mall, smashed. The little red pieces scattered about the compact car empty space by the entrance to the emporium. I can't remember what I had on my pin drive? This past summer I lost a lens, a lens filter and the lens cover to my camera. All at different times and different places. If someone followed behind me they could become rich from my droppings. What causes me to be so ineffecient or irresponsible? Shall I blame it on a dysfuntional childhood? Shall I blame it on the fast paced world I live in? Perhaps I could blame it on the manufacture for not adhering it to my person properly. I could say I was drinking extremely hot coffee from some fast food restaurant and when I jumped from fear of being burnt by the nasty tasting coffee I lost my pin drive. Yes, I now believe I have a case. Blame it on someone else. But wait I never buy coffee at a fast food establishment. There goes that lawsuit out the window. My pin drive most likely shattered in despair on the parking lot in section B2.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

the demise

I write this out of guilt, shame and remorse. I purchased these two cute little turtles from the local petshop. Where by the way I collect points from all my purchases. I believe when I attain 600 thousand points I will get a free calender or something along that line. So my little guys - one is a Florida Cooter and the other is a Cumberland Slider. Red eared sliders are illegal to sell. I have one of those and his name is Al. He is in the big pond. So I thought Al might be lonely, hence the addition of these little guys. But I feared these were too little to put with Al in the outside pond. So they are in the tank inside till they grow. And I do want them growing. I feed them little itty bitty tadpoles from another outside pond. At first I felt a tad bad (pun) from sending these cute little tadpoles to their end but if left on their own for sure a stork would be having them for a sushi snack. So twice a day I scoop some up and feed them to Cooter and Cumbie. And every day these little cuties get bigger and bigger. And then there was the day I scooped up a very large tadpole and dropped him in the tank. Gulp, gone in a second. Sometimes I watch with a sick fascination as they eat their protein. One day I witnessed a knock down drag out fight over a tasty morsel. At that point I realized they could survive in the wild if need be. So this one morning I scooped up the breakfast tadpoles and dropped them in the tank for the hungry beasts. Oh no! There was a tadpole with both legs almost a frog. I guess he was technically a frog since his tail was gone. Feeeling evil about what I had been doing washed over me. So I knew I had to save this baby frog. I took the net and tried to scoop him out of the tank, save him from this horrible fate. Being the avid klutz I knocked him off the side of the tank and he fell into the water. Instantly Cooter snapped him up and gulped him down. I was mortified. So now I am faced with guilt and my futile actions of ineptness. So I weigh the options. Turtles getting big or tadpoles becoming frogs. It's a tough world out.

Friday, October 26, 2007

death wish

I awoke to water splashing in the pool. Instantly I sat up in bed and tried to focus my bleary eyes on the clock. 1:30 AM. I reached over to touch my lifemate. His side of the bed was empty. He must be swimming. I rolled over and pulled the fleece blanket over my head. The spashing intensifies. Then, the coughing, soft at first and then very loud and persistent. So i'm thinking the old man is drowning. My thoughts - hhmmm, how much life insurance does he have? The coughing becomes disgusting. I roll out of bed and walk toward the closed screen door. I adjust my eyes to the darkness surrounding the pool. He's not in the pool. I still hear the muted coughing. A little ripple catches my unfocused eyes. I see something swimming close to the edge. Darn armadillo again, I surmise. I flip on the outside light switch and venture out by the pool. I look at the swimming critter and realise it's not that obnoxious armadillo. It's the dog. My sweet 17 year old baby paddling for dear life. Maggie is almost deaf, can't see much with the cataracts and is quite senile. She walks like someone on stilts due to the arthritis. So I reach down and pull out the terrified little mutt and hug her to my heart. I rub her down with a towel and go searching for the missing mate. I'm ready to yell and scream at him for letting the old girl outside alone. I find him in the computer room playing freecell. It's now 1:45 AM. Who plays freecell at that time in the morning? So I politely ask him why he let her out and he responds with, "I didn't." "She was asleep in the doorway when I got up and I had to step over her." So I have a senile dog trying to end her life in the early morning hours by drowning herself in the pool and a spouse that has a freecell addiction.