Saturday, May 15, 2010

Queen of Nothing

The other day on the radio (I love Sirius radio) I heard a David Bowie song about the Queen of Nothing. Not that I was ever a David Bowie groupie but I never recalled hearing that particular song. It catapulted me into a thinking mode about the Queen of Nothing.

I began to wonder who the Queen of Nothing was? What was she like? How did she feel? Was I - the Queen of Nothing?

I began to think I was. Like when I have this fluttering deep within the belly region and it works its way up into my throat sucking all the air out of me. It causes the heart to thump wildly and erratically and then it skips a beat and stops for just a second. The pounding reaches up inside the head and pain flicks through causing the pressure that brings on a migraine, Vision blurs, the arm goes numb and thoughts of no tomorrows take hold and then the anxiety swirls out of control. The floor spins my eyes get glossy and the tears flow down my face as if on a wild roller coaster ride. The Queen of Nothing?

I lay outside in the early morning when sleep cannot be found and I gaze up at the stars and count them. And then the stars materialize into a million stars - so many that it is impossible to count them all. They flash and move and shine their magnificent glow. Suddenly I realize I am but an insignificant grain of sand washing away in the tidal wave of life. The Queen of Nothing.

Surrounded by the stillness of silence I listen with absolute fascination. Way off in the distance a lone bird sings a song and then it ends abruptly as it began. Wrapped in the early morning darkness and the serene act of silence smothering me - I begin to weep. Quiet should be a need not a want. Even farther away in the distance a siren breaks through the silence and the sound drifts away with the tide and the stars. Back to a soundless morning with the morning dew sprinkled on the chairs and the black stillness of silence marches on. The Queen of Nothing.

A door slams fast and intended right in the face before my eyes have accepted the truth. The woody sound vibrates and creeps deep down into my tattered soul. I feel the phantom pain of the closure and hear every nail that is being pounded into the coffin. Life snuffed out like a burning cigarette with the charred ashes dropping carelessly to the ground. A wind from nowhere slinks across the earth and carries the ashes out to sea and they melt away with out any passion. The Queen of Nothing.

A song with some words takes on a life - a theatre production - a journey through a twisted jungle of emotions. Swaying with the breeze, snapping closed with a gust of wind, lifting off with hurricane force - falling into the deep dark cavern of pity. The Queen of Nothing.

I wonder about this Queen of Nothing and how she came to be and where did she travel and come to rest? Is she the epitome of fallen angels or dried up roses? Does silence part her soul? Does she connect with the stars, the moon, the sea and mother nature herself? When I look in the mirror is the Queen of Nothing in there?

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