Thursday, June 19, 2008

Here Come Dah Judge

So my first day in court on my new job and I'm wanting to make a GOOD impression. Judges scare me a little - just a little - actually a whole bunch. I wore a very conservative looking suit - very professional. My hair was okay. I wore cutesie little pumps instead of my bright pink Crocs. I was ready to roll.

I forgot the briefcase (that would have been VERY professional) and ended up hand carrying the massive file. It weighed in about ten pounds. I carefully start to get out of my car and my coordination always somewhat out of kilter drops a notch. Must have been those cutesie pumps. I start to weave toward the pavement - face first.

Lucky for me I save the day and don't go flat on my face or spread eagle. I must have spastic muscles or something funky like that because my arms fly up and out - still holding that 10 pound file and it slides ever so slowly across my face. But I did not hit the ground - a great save I thought.

I strut proudly toward the courthouse. Then, the side of my face begins to sting. The pain is awful and I don't deal kindly with pain. I hold tight to the ten pound file and with my right hand I reach up and touch the pained face. I look at my hand in absolute horror. There is blood dripping down my fingertips. OMG!!! I'm bleeding to death on the court house steps.

I keep my hand on the side of my face and try to be discreet as I drop the ten pound file, two cell phones and my car keys into the plastic bin the security guard holds out for me. At this point in time I have dripped blood all over one of the cell phones and the corner of the ten pound file. I kept my hand firmly placed on my face to contain the deluge of blood.

I walk through the metal detector praying that it doesn't go off and they force me to do some strip search. The deputy gives me a strange look but lets me pass. I walk down the hall leaving a trail of blood in my wake. I sneak into the ladies room to assess the damage.
Oh, yuck, half of my cheek skin is gone. She's bleeding like a stuck pig and court starts in 20 minutes. I grab a paper towel and dab at my pathetic face. Hurts like hell. The bleeding continues. I grab another paper towel dampen it and hold it hard against my damaged cheek.
I get into the elevator with more strange looks. I can hear their thoughts -'that bimbo's going to make a great impression in the court room.'

I slip into Court Room 3B and take a seat in the back. I push the soggy paper towel against my throbbing cheek. I will not cry. For some wonderful unknown reason my case was delayed for an hour. I rush back to the bathroom to attend my wound and my bruised ego. Wouldn't I make a GREAT first impression with my face all bandaged up like a mummy.
The bleeding stops but the side of my face is ugly, red and bruising. Maybe the judge won't notice.

My time has come and I walk sideways to the table right in front of the judge. I try to turn my body so he cannot see the damage. I feel like a fool. I turn my notes over to the attorney and see the bright red stains along the edge. She says nothing. I shrink a little in my seat. I feel like the judge is staring at my wounded face. The case is rescheduled and I make a beeline for the door and my cutesie little pump catches the corner of the chair. I fall flat like a pancake.

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