I have kept for many years an image tucked away in the back recess of my thoughts. I pull out this image in times of stress, when my life is overwhelming and when my insomnia flares up. It's an image I created of a little girl (me) who runs happily through a field of bright yellow flowers and billowing weeds. She runs like an elf, free, happy and full of joy. Her long blonde curly hair bounces with every step she takes. She giggles and laughs with the wind, although I have never seen her face I know her smile is immense. Her sundress is soft and swirls around her bare legs. Her feet are bare as they gently touch the ground.
She moves with grace and rhythm across the field to somewhere unknown. She never reaches a destination - she just runs with the joy of life tugging at the ribbon in her hair. The moving image is peaceful and calming. A few times she has left the wide open field and ran down the beach.
She runs still in bare feet and the soft pastel sundress with the giggles and laughter. The blonde curls bounce like the waves. Her happiness is contagious. I can hear the surf crashing against the beach as I breathe in the salty air. I can see her tiny feet making impressions in the wet sand and feel the texture of the sand squeeze between her toes. And I consume it all with a calm soul. She takes me where I need to go and fills me with peace.
Last night I called for her and she didn't respond. I called again and again. What I received was puffy clouds and colors. No little girl skipping through a field of flowers bursting with laughter and the joy of life pushing her forward. Perhaps she has taken a vacation where my calls cannot reach her. I'm not in a panic state as yet but who knows.
The mind is a complicated piece of equipment. It knows when it needs fuel and when it needs a rest. If I need her tonight I shall call her again. If she doesn't appear I know she has a reason. Perhaps her usefulness has expired and I need to move on. Or perhaps she has grown up and I can face the world challenges with her infectious joy of life.