Coffee Break

So I'm hobbling around on this bum foot feeling a little like a drunk giraffe on an ice rink. The stitches have been removed it still tingles and the toes definitely have not gone back to work yet. They kind of sit there all crumpled up and useless.
Every morning my favorite thing to start the day with is sit outside on the lanai, sip coffee, stare at the few remaining stars and watch the planes coming and going. It's a quiet time before the noise of the day begins. It's still dark when I start my journey to the outside world to relax and enjoy the roasted brew.

I'm pretty good at traversing the darkened lanai and shuffling over to my favorite chair. This morning as I exit I notice a plane - lights flashing - getting ready to land and all of the passengers antsy to embark. I am captivated by this sight. I should concentrate on my own world and not get dreamy eyed about some far off adventure.

Still, my eyes are stuck like gorilla glue on the descending aircraft. I shuffle by the pool - eyes still resting on the flashing lights up in the sky. BAM, my fumbling feet stumble. It's the darn cat. Doesn't she know my movements are slow and unsteady? What is she doing in my path?

There is nothing to grab a hold of to break my fall - so down I go. Okay, if I hit my head on the cement - get a concussion - and fall into the pool - I will surely die. I won't be able to scream because I'll be unconscious. There goes my travel plans. Since I can't scream no one will hear my futile cries. It's 5 AM no one but me and the cat are awake.

I flail about on my downward spiral trying to stay away from the pool and the cement edge that is calling my name. I slip on the pool skimmer that someone always leaves by the edge of the pool. It throws my balance backwards toward the glass topped table. I start thinking hard and fast if it's the kind that doesn't break in pointy sharp pieces and could pierce my juggler veins. It was on sale - pretty cheap. I can envision the sharp shards of glass piercing my body.

My arm hits the corner of the table and my body takes another turn and hits the wicker chair. And like magic I am plopped down unscathed right in the chair still holding my coffee cup. The coffee is splattered all over the floor but the cup is safe and sound. It's truly a good thing as it is my favorite coffee cup.

Animal Behavior

I have 5 cute, adorable turtles, Big Al, Cooter, Cracker, Romeo and Juliet in my backyard pond. I love sitting by the pond, feeding them, talking to them and yes, they do listen to me. It's very relaxing watching them watching me and wondering what they are thinking. I hand feed them krill their favorite food product. I also give them live tadpoles when available. I do this to help with their hunting skills just in case they ever have to be released to the wild. Since the cold spell has hit Florida my buddies have taken refuge at the bottom of the pond. They don't swim up to greet me or bask on the rocks. I sit by the pond and call them by name but I am ignored.

The cat Martha has gotten quite irritable lately. She wants to be fed 24 hours a day. She's so fat now that she waddles when she walks across the room. I am giving her a low cal food and she is not a happy camper. She whines and yells every time you walk by her and runs to her food dish. If she is not compensated she swats at you with her dagger claws. Most of the time she catches my arm as I walk by and leaves her mark. I go through a box of band aids every week. This morning to makes matters worse she up-chucked all over the kitchen counter. Thank you Martha that was so very appetizing.

Then, Ron the beastly dog has been caught sleeping on the couch. His hair clinging to the cushions was the giveaway. He has a brand new dog bed but will not go near the thing. Why? I ran out of dog food so just for today I substituted the low cal cat food for his breakfast. He is not a happy camper and has gas that is really polluting the air. He did jump up on the kitchen counter to help with the cat clean-up. Gross me out and gag me with a spoon.

The Koi, no names here are no trouble at all. The cold has not sent them into hibernation. I walk by the pond and they all swim up to greet me with gaping mouths. In reality it's the food they want and not my company :(.

Animals you gotta love them.

Frugality - Fact or Fiction

I see myself as 'frugal', my children see me in a different light - they call me 'cheap.' Perhaps we are all right. I know if I ever win the lottery I will still hunt for sales and use my 20% off coupons. Hubby at times has poked fun at me and my antics - especially the napkins I save from fast food restaurants. He wasn't laughing that time he needed one and I opened the glove compartment and a bunch rolled out.

One Christmas my children bought me two huge packs of napkins and asked me not to horde any more freebie ones. I see nothing wrong with my yellow MCnapkins on the dinner table.

I also save those little ketchup, mayo, mustard, duck sauce and soy sauce pouches. I keep them in a zip lock baggie and they are ready to roll at any time someone says the word -picnic.

What can I say to defend myself? I really don't think I need defending. They can tease me all they want.

So hubby dear, the one that sometimes makes wise cracks about my peculiar habits has topped me one - but good. He's come over to my side.

Today he went on a shopping spree and purchased a beautiful area rug. It retailed for over $300.00. He paid $10.00. Gotta love that guy!!! And the colors were absolutely perfect. A designer could not have done any better - or more better. Family joke -more better.

I was so proud of him. And such a great bargain.

Then he took me aside and whispered look under the couch by the wall. I dropped down on that soft, cushy, beautiful new rug and looked under the couch. I'm thinking the cat had already barfed on the new rug. Just like the sun rising in the East everyday, the stupid cat barfs on all new rugs and new calendars placed on the kitchen counter. You can count on her for that episode - every time.

I'm looking and see no cat vomit but what I do see is a small rectangular patch maybe 2 inches by 6 inches cut out of the rug. You know that sign that says 'sample' on the sample rugs. Well the store removed the sample sign and left this empty space in the side of the rug and sold it for ten bucks. What a bargain. I don't believe too many people will get on my floor and search for irregularities in my pretty new rug. It's hidden and no one will know.

I love my bargain conscious hubby. I guess this could be referred to as - saving the earth - one sample at a time or cheap or my preference Frugality at its finest.

Morning Coffee

It's not an easy straight shot to get my morning cup of coffee. It's more like a meandering maze of defiance to obtain the caffeine connection. As soon as my feet hit the hardwood floors the little dog needs to pee. She's getting old and has a difficult time making it throught the night. If she doesn't get out before first light she targets the nearest rug. We don't have many rugs left in the house.

In the dark I walk - tripping on shoes and discarded garmets - over to the bedroom door and walk out into the brisk cold morning. She doesn't budge. She refuses to go out the back door in the backyard, where neighbors can't see me standing in my pink short nightie. She walks slowly toward the front door. I have to grab my robe off the hook - all this still in the dark. And we exit the front door so she can pee in the front yard. WHY? She heads directly under the street light so I can do the runway model walk for the neighbors. But then how many neighbors are up at 5 AM?

We head back inside - slowly. I remove the robe and try to hang it on the hook - still in the dark. I enter the kitchen and old pusss is standing guard on the counter by her empty food bowl. She lets out a howl and gently slaps my bare arm. Remember I left the robe on the hook. She wants to be fed NOW! In the dark I search the cupboards for her cat food and give her the standard 1/4 of a cup of lowfat cat food. She's as fat as a pig and we have put her on a diet. She's not happy.

I head for the coffee pot feeling the rush. I climb over the gate that seperates the big dog from the little dog and big boy barks for his morning treat. I step back over the kitchen gate and search the cupboards for his bag of bones. Still in total darkness. The little mutt paces frantically around my feet. That's the signal she has to do her number two. I head back to the bedroom grab the robe off the hook - still in the dark. Out the front door once again because she has 'the spot' where she will only do the discharge. She takes her time sniffing out the perfect location. The deed gets done.

We trot slowly back inside and I hang up my robe on the hook - still in the dark. I go back to the kitchen climb over the gate that keeps the two dogs apart and reach my hand out to press the ON button. It makes a nice soft little click sound and I sigh in relief.

I've forgotten to take my blood pressure pill- hhmmm - why do I have high blood pressure? A walk back to the bedroom encased in darkness to find the pill bottle. I touch the menagerie of bottles and containers on my dresser - searching for the pill bottle. I find the one - pop off the cap and drop the entire contents on the floor. I drop to my hands and knees and search for the lost capsules before the dog finds any. I find three and hope there are no more rolling about. I pop a pill and reach for my water bottle always sitting on my nighstand. Empty.

I hurry into the bathroom - still in the dark and search blindly for a cup. No such luck. I resort to desperate measures and stick my head under the faucet. I amaze myself with all this activity and not an ounce of caffeine running through my system. I trip over my robe that never made it to the wall hook.

The sun begins to make her appearance - I wish she would come earlier or the animals would wait till later. I climb back over that darn gate and walk with the full pot of java back to the kitchen in the early morning light. I pour myself a cup of the sweet smelling brew and smile. I open the refrigerator door and reach inside for the creamer. NADA - NONE. Life is cruel.

The Cat in the Hat is Fat

I read an article about fat cats - obsese cats. I own a fat cat, she's very fat - she's obese. She has this little tiny head and this humungous body. She reminds me of Marlon Brando. The article stated that it is unhealthy for cats to be fat -DUH. It's unhealthy for all of us to be fat.

They specified - NO Grazing. She's not a cow she's a cat. Apparently grazing means keeping the cats food bowl filled to the brim. When we plan to be gone for the weekend I use an automatic feeder that holds approximately a full bag of catfood. She generally eats the whole thing. We have left her alone for far too many weekends.

I have tried to cut back and feed her only twice a day but that makes her a very unhappy camper cat. She turns into a demon. She howls and swats at you when you walk by her. In the evening she jumps up in bed and bites your feet. She's evil. She demands her food and doesn't give up until she is satisfied. It's difficult to live with an unhappy camper cat. Try it and you will understand.

I switched her over to a lowfat catfood and that did not go over well. At first she refused to eat any of it and kept us terrorized for days. She finally ate some but lets us know (verbally) how displeased she was. We keep her food on the kitchen counter (some may see this as gross but we have two dogs) and she blocks the entry into the kitchen. She stands guard by the empty dish and smacks us with her sharp,sharp claws when we try to pass.

FEED ME. Life is easier when we cater to her wishes. I have told her many times that being fat will bring her to an early death but she ignores my advice. Let me rethink this problem - fat cat - early death....hhhhmmmm. I'm off to the pet store to buy a LARGE bag of cat food. I will fill her automatic feeder to the brim.

How to kill a cat

Martha is a 6 year old (plump) tortie and I love her dearly. Or I did till last night. She has her own 'doggie door' in the garage. Does she choose to use it? No! She prefers to scratch at the screen to the sliding glass door in my bedroom. At hourly intervals. First she wants out - then she wants back in. I'm sleep deprived.

I spent $100.00 bucks for the dumb dog door - use it. Is it insulting because it's a dog door and not the more expensive kitty door? Get over it. Get out. Use the darn door and let me sleep through the night.

I tried ignoring her whines and caterwauling but it's the scratching at the screen that is unacceptable. I could close the sliding door but then I would not have my gentle ocean breeze to soothe me. One time I shut the lanai door and the fool climbed on top of the lanai right by my bedroom door and began her pathetic whine. Replacing a screen in a patio door is not a difficult job but replacing the screening on the lanai roof requires an expert.

So now I'm awake and old puss tired from her midnight rompings is fast asleep on the couch. I could put a throw pillow over her face and deny her oxygen. I could terrorize her with the fake stuff mouse or refuse to put fresh food in her bowl.

Tonight for wanting sleep I may sleep in the guest bedroom - that will fix her. And that is an alternative to killing her. Why does she insist on me catering to all her needs? She isn't even a lap cat and doesn't like to be petted. It's all about her! I just need some sleep. I wonder if Excedrim PM works on cats?