Fleece the public

I'm a wee bit jealous of Octo-Mom, Nadya Suleman. How you say? Well it certainly is not from all the negative publicity and death threats she is accumulating. And not the fact that she has 14 children, no job, no home and no reality show offers. Her income is derived from taxpayer monies - like mine. I hear she will be writing a book in the near future.
My green jealousy comes from the fact that she has her nails professionally done in a lovely 'french manicure.' She has no job and no visible means of income and she has her nails done and that does not come cheap.
I work and cannot afford to have my nails done. Something is terribly wrong with this situation. I want nice manicured nails like her. There is no money in my budget for that so I needed to improvise. And that I did or tried.
I purchased the 'do-it-yerself' french manicure kit. The cost was about $7.00. I will go without my afternoon snack at the vending machine for several months. Not using the vending machine is a good thing because it still contains many peanut butter products that should have been removed from society.
With a little gleam in my baby blues I read the directions on the 'french manicure' kit. I followed the directions to the 'T'. Something went drastically wrong. The white polish does not come off tables, toes or skin. I have scrubbed and scrubbed and still the white lumpy polish will not budge.
I am so displeased with this so called easy manicure kit that I almost tossed the whole mess in the trash. Then, I remembered I shelled out $7.00 and had to give up my afternoon treats from the office vending machine.
Perhaps I could ship the 'french manicure' kit to Nadya and she could do her own nails and not use taxpayers money. Perhaps I could quit my job pop out a dozen or more kids and have my nails done by a professional using taxpayers money. Maybe I'll just wear gloves or use a clear nail polish from the dollar store.

Troll Toes

I own a German Shepard or to be honest - he owns me, us, the house, the furniture , the car and some of the neighbors. The pack leader mentality is truly his. We are his servants. And one of those servant services is constantly cleaning up his EXCESSIVE hair. We have giant dust hair bunnies that weigh in at 5 pounds. Dark green furniture and dog hair do not mix well or help your home make the cover of Coastal Home Living magazine.

We have dog hair in every conceivable place in our home and even places that would not appear in your wildest dreams or fantasies. The dog sheds like Niagara Falls. Constantly and excessively his hair multiplies like wild horny rabbits. He leaves no bed skirt unscathed. I find dog hair in the refrigerator. How gross is that. Hair, hair everywhere but we love the old fool who has us trained.

The holidays are fast approaching and I purchased these lovely new foot adornments called - Fitflops. High end flipflops with a mission. Firm those buns. Tighten those saggy calves. Show the world that you are not afraid to push the envelope.

I decided since we had dress down week at work and flip-flops are on the naughty list that I would break the rules and wear my new Fitflops. The toes were in a sad sorry state of affairs so something was needed to bring those toes up to snuff. The color red is bold, sassy, bright and the only color nail polish I could find without leaving home and spending $20.00 bucks. I gussied up those 10 deformed toes of mine with that slightly old and out of date red nail polish and walked around the house to dry my little piggies. I assumed that nail polish several years old does not degrade and take more than mere minutes to dry completely. I'm back to my assuming again.

I slipped my trampy red painted toes into my new Fitflops and off I went to work. I'm not entirely sure when I finally looked down at my spiffy new flip flops and my cherry red painted toes but the shock was enough to raise the blood pressure and embarrassment to the same shade of red on my piggy toes.

Did I mention that I own or actually am owned by a big robust German Shepard that sheds his hair faster than the stock market drops? Do I need to mention that still wet red nail polish attracts massive amounts of dog hair? OMG!!! I have troll feet!!! I'm at work with this - this - hair protruding from my toes that are elegantly painted trampy red. And the polish is dry and hard as the rock of ages. The hair is cemented to my trampy red painted toes. And I have to face the world.

This little piggy stays home, this little piggy goes to work and all the little piggies painted bright-bold red encased in lovely new Fitflops are mutants.