Fractured, Frail and Forewarned

Florida is - well Florida is rather difficult to describe in terms that match the real world. A reality television show in Florida would certainly be a masterpiece right up there with 'The Three Stooges.' Florida is a mixture of sugar, salt and smoked fish or road kill on an all you can eat buffet.

My sister came down to Florida for a vacation and a visit with me - the older sister. The one that ended up in the Florida soup of mixed greens and other oddities. I warned her about life in paradise.

Rule number 1. Never stand in my front yard when the neighbor backs out of her driveway. When one has reached the wonderful ripe young age of 93 one should consider taking a taxi and ripping up that drivers license. Yes, my sweet senior neighbor has ended up parked in my front yard - just inches from the bedroom window.

Rule number 2. There are many of these people on the roads and they drive. Unfortunately they drive through plate glass windows when going to the bank - right through the front doors of a cafe that doesn't even have drive-thru. And there was that brand new beautiful bus stop on the corner of Rowan and Regency - that is no more. If you see one of these behind the wheel of a car - take a detour - get out of their way.

Rule number 3. Yes, you can go out and about in your nightie. (She did not believe me on this one)

We pulled into a parking space at the grocery store - driving on the correct side of the road, doing the speed limit, taking up only one parking space and who should appear but a night gown fashion icon.

My sister - doubter that she WAS begins to laugh as she watches the lady exit her car parked at a precarious angle dressed totally in her nightie. Pink flannel ankle length attire with little white flowers and slippers to match. Her purple purse was large and flopped like a dead rabbit against her well rounded butt tocks. A little too much for the world to see at 11 AM in the morning.

"You see, I was not telling tales," I say.

My sister is awash with tears as she cannot believe what is crossing the lot on this wonderful winter day in sunny Florida. Welcome to Paradise - where anything goes.

Three rules is enough to grasp on a first visit.

Coupon Craze

You would think an innocent trip to the grocery store would not become a nightmare. Well, that's exactly what happened to me this morning. Actually it wasn't quite a nightmare but an insult - same thing.

I paid for my groceries and the clerk hands me back the receipt and coupons. I'm always on the look-out for coupons. One is salad dressing - okay - I'll use that one. And the next coupon is for adult diapers. OMG!!!

I look down to see if any bodily fluids are dripping down my leg. Negative on that one. I sniff to see if perhaps I have a fluid waste odor. Negative on that one. I know my roots are showing but hey what does that really mean?

Do I look like a person that needs depends? Have I aged that much since I looked in the mirror this morning? Is the cashier just being a smartpass? Wait I think the coupons come out automatically.

Is it that grocery stores believe that at 7 AM in the morning that only senile seniors buy groceries? My embarrassment is tremendous. Perhaps the surveillance camera caught me using the restroom three times while shopping and thought I needed some assistance. Whatever - that coupon is going straight to the trash.