Ode to Erma Bombeck

If life were a bowl of cherries we would be extremely busy reading the label. Once we found out about how many grams of sugar and sodium we were consuming it would send us into a panic attack. And don’t forget all the preservatives in those little red maraschino cherries. They do look pretty in that peach margarita in the fancy glass topped off with that fecal encrusted lemon slice. I’m trying hard to get over the lemon scare but unfortunately it still haunts me. People tell me it’s an urban legend. I believe in legends, ghosts and the monster under the bed. Everything at one time or another scares me.

So off we go to our primary care physician - the one our health plan says we must see and the moment he checks our weight his eyes roll around in his head and he demands a blood test. The doctor will admonish us for overindulging and request that we speak with a dietitian but the insurance will not cover this so we listen to the doctor’s lecture about our eating habits.

Then the blood tests will come back and it shows our cholesterol level is way over the acceptable mark and we are given pills and a strict diet to correct said problems. By this time the high sodium content has causes our feet to swell up like a dead fish and we can’t slip comfortably into our favorite shoes. So we are forced to wear our flip-flops to work which are against the dress code rule but we have no alternative. More than likely we will be given a verbal reprimand for wearing flip flops to work. Can’t you see we sport elephant feet?

Let’s not even discuss that it’s beach weather and that two piece bathing suit only covers one part of the bloated body. It does coordinate nicely with the flip flops. So we’re back to eating oatmeal every morning – yuck. And now forced to have given up swimming in the gulf due to the oil spill off the coast of Louisiana - that can’t be good for our health. And the sun causes more skin cancer cells and wrinkles stretching out the skin as if it were a decaying rubber band and makes us look like a shar-pei – thank you very much for that compliment. The sand irritates the blister between the toes caused by the flip-flops and it makes us walk funny like a duck. So you see this person waddling along the shore (oil soaked) with way too much muffin top showing wearing an ugly dog suit. Darn those cherries. This would definitely be a great ad for lowering the cholesterol level. Instead of a very healthy looking person with a smile wide enough to swallow an entire water melon with teeth whiter than snow rollicking barefoot in the sand with a handsome model that must be her son and not her mate. Show us the truth.

And while we are consuming these cherries while sitting over the septic tank in Florida the septic tank would very soon become a sinkhole. Could be from the weight we have gained from those cherries. The sinkhole would expand to engulf the house, the garage and the neighbor’s patio and sink quietly into the bowels of the earth. Then we would remember that we cancelled the sinkhole coverage on the house because we couldn't afford that and the medical insurance premium, the deductible, prescriptions for lowering our cholesterol and all those blood test the doctor ordered. So here we sit at the bottom of the pit in you know what - eating our cherries. Darn they are good.

Turtle Trawl

It was a quiet day in the neighborhood - until I took the trash out to the curb for early morning Monday pick-up. For whatever reason the noisy trash tuck starts pick-up about 3AM. Unless one lives in a sound proof dungeon there is NO getting away from the noise. It roars and clanks until everyone is awake and out of bed. It must be a law that all garbage trucks make mega noise and start in the wee hours of the morning. Okay a little off track on this thought but that is why I was out front.

I looked across the street and there was a red truck parked in the road. And something was moving beneath the red truck. I watched. It was a slow mover. Then I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me again. I stood by the trash cans and squinted. Intrigue got the best of me. I headed down the cul-de-sac.

Just then at that very moment the guy with the fifth wheeler was pulling up behind the little red truck. By this time I was thinking the object under the red truck was a tortoise. Occasionally they end up touring our street.

So I start out a a fast pace toward the fifth wheeler. He pulls up tight to the little red truck and the object freezes.

I crawl under the truck and it is not a tortoise but a red eared slider. Mr. Smith grabs his work gloves and rescues the slider from beneath the little red truck. HHHMMM - red eared sliders are water turtles and the only water around here is in my pool and turtle ponds. I take the pathetic looking guy home.

What I don't need is another water turtle.What to do with him is the next question? Too many red eared sliders are released into the wilds of Florida. This guy is pretty big so I assume he has not been someones pet for a very long time.

People of Walmart

The people of Walmart site is a good site to troll when you are feeling like you need and uplift or a rip roaring laugh. http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/
I only go to Walmart in the wee hours in the morning - to avoid rifraf and other strange oddities. Well, apparently I did not go early enough this morning. They were out in droves. I was sure wishing I had my camera to catch a few photo's of the parade of lowlife. I really don't know what else to call them?
The next time I make an early morning run to my local Walmart I will go in my jammies with fuzzy HUGE slippers my muffin top showing to the whole wide world and my jammies hanging well below my hips to show off my thong undies if in fact I wear them that day. I will dye my hair rainbow colors my boobs will be down to my waist without a bra and they will be a size 42 DDD. Enough of the visual.

One day I will walk into Walmart in my jammies just for the fun of it. Well - maybe not but I can fantasize or actually have nightmares during the day.
Why do they do it? There should be a law against it but then I guess they are expressing their creativity.

Touche'

Variations....

Out the In

There is something inherently wrong with people that go out the 'IN'. Can you not read? I suspect you can but I suspect you feel that you can do whatever because it is owed to you. Follow the rules. If it says 'IN' it means 'IN' not 'OUT'.
Just the other day when I was going 'IN' the grocery store with my cart which leaves little room for anything else - there you are coming out my 'IN' space. It's like a violation of my space. And then when you leave the parking lot you drive against the arrows. Get a life - or perhaps I should get a life and not pay attention to those that go out the 'IN'.
On the thought of 'IN' - I have these two lovely creatures that are displayed right next to my 'IN' door at home. I don't have the sign that says 'IN' but it's still 'In'. And I can still go out but that's okay because it is not a public place. So there be the difference - whatever....
Back to my creatures - my beautiful colorful creatures - with the stoned looking eyes. They are from one of my favorite places - Key West. Everytime I go 'In' my front door there they are to greet me and remind me of Key West. They also look like the folks that one sees at Key West. Such an interesting place. I bet people there don't go out the 'IN'.