Global Warming

I love to sleep with the windows flung wide open and breath in that wonderful fresh air but there are some drawbacks. At 1:48 AM the neighbors decided to have a discussion. Actually it was a full blow argument. They were in a direct line to my back open window. It's amazing how voices travel in the wee hours of the morning. I wonder if they realize this? Perhaps I could repeat their heated discussion - word for word.
I have to get up and go to work in a few hours and the disturbance was getting under my skin. I could have gotten up and closed the windows but that seemed like a violation of my rights. That's when the 'domino' effect set in motion.
For some odd reason the dog felt the need to be a moderator. He slipped out the dog door and began barking at the shrill voices. He ran back and forth along the back fence trying to serenade the couple. His barking grew frantic. I lay in bed wishing for all of them to just 'SHUT UP'. That didn't happen. I really didn't feel like getting out of bed but my choices were limited. Finally, I gave up and stumbled to the door. I whispered for the dumb mutt and he did not respond. Why does that surprise me?
I went to the garage door opened it and whistled. I could have yelled and become one with the neighbors but I felt compassion for the rest of the sleeping neighbors. The yodelling dog came in panting like a rabid dog and went straight to the bedroom with the open windows with the cool gentle breeze.
I jumped back in bed for some shut eye. The neighbors continued their discussion which seemed to be getting louder. Still, I refused to compromise and close my windows. I pulled the covers over my ears with little satisfaction. At that moment the dog started his scratching and chewing on his body parts. The vet says he has separation anxiety. The scratching and licking continued for what seemed like hours. I yelled at the beast and he ignored me. Enough already - I chased him out of the bedroom and closed the door. Let him have his anxiety separation some place else. And that place seemed to be in the backyard again - barking relentlessly. I should have closed that dog door.
Once again I call to him with no response. I go to the garage and yell his name and he comes running to me with the tongue hanging out and panting like a wild boar. I have never met a wild boar but assume they pant. I secured the dog door and went back to bed closing the bedroom door behind me. I flopped on the bed and listened to the discussion beyond my windows.
I tried my relaxing techniques to resume a restful sleep. I could feel it -almost there. I started to drift and the loud voices were fading. Then, the cat started to whine. There is no peace in a household with animals and neighbors who have early morning gripe sessions. And I just wanted some fresh air.

5 Ways To Scare the Neighbors

1. It's 5AM and the old dog (almost 18) has to pee. I sneak out the front door so she can complete her business - quick and simple. Life is never quick nor simple. I stand there in the semi-darkness as the morning breeze sways the palms clad in my very thin cotton nightshirt. A sleeping garment not too sweet on prying eyes.

I turn my back for a moment, a second, a nana second and - she's gone. Collarless, mindless and on some sort of mission. Since her mind has vanished she displays strange behavior. She wanders endlessly and becomes lost even in a closet.

2. Panic sets in. I run to the end of the driveway - hoping no one in the neighborhood is awake. She is nowhere to be seen. How can a dog so old and confused disappear so fast? Most of the time she can't find her way to the feeding dish. And she is ALWAYS underfoot.

I scan the street and the culdesac. Still clad in my ridiculous evening wear. Panic rises. Where would she go? Could she have wandered to the next street? What to do? I most certainly cannot run wildly up and down the streets looking like this.

3. I begin to canvass the street. A house has their garage door open. Should I? OMG! She went into a neighbors house. She's deaf so she can't hear my desperate pleas. She's also nearly blind so she cannot she me trotting down the street in my beastly garb.

4. Should I return home and grab a robe? Do I have time? What if she makes it to the main road? She will not last long. I run back home - scream for help and grab a robe. I run madly down the street barefoot and wild. I wonder who may be peering out their windows at this strange sight? Hubby comes to the rescue clad in red satin boxers and he runs East while I run West.

5. I see her walking nonchalantly out of the neighbors garage. I grab her and scream with relief. I am so thankful for the robe. The neighbor stands in the shadows watching me with wary eyes.

Size Matters

This story is not even near funny - so please don't laugh. I didn't - honest!! Well, perhaps just a teensey bit, maybe more, like ROFLMAO. Do not try this stunt at home -----------

A certain person - he who shall not be named (hubby) took the car to the garage. It was long overdue but that is irrelevant. He who shall not be named (hubby) caught a ride home. The light bulb burst on when he who shall not be named (hubby) twisted the door handle - locked. Well - DUH. The burning light reminded he who shall not be named (hubby) that the house key was on with the car key that was at the garage with the car. The bulb dimmed.

He who shall not be named (hubby) proceeded around to the side of the house to the doggie door. Yep, the dog door -approximate size 12x18. We purchased the largest size for the German Shepard who tops out at 100 pounds.

He who shall not be named (hubby) needed desperately to get inside. It was time for lunch. Down on all fours like the dog he proceeded through the dog door. At some point he who shall not be named (hubby) became STUCK. You can't get there from here!

Sometime later the neighbor heard the pitiful cries and went to investigate. What a sight for her eyes. I can imagine her never seeing he who shall not be named (hubby) backside, she didn't know whose derriere she was viewing. A robber? A mass murderer? A house jacker?

She followed the correct criteria and called 911. I can just imagine the call. "Hello this is 911. What is your emergency?"
"Yes, I see this butt sticking out of my neighbors dog door and there is a lot of screaming."

I told you not to laugh!!!!