First Aid For Dummies

I'm working out in the yard on the turtle habitat wearing my well worn Crocs and WHAM. A searing stabbing pain hits my right foot just above the Croc line. I look down and there is this ugly fire ant the size of a small dog biting my ankle. The pain is horrific.

I take off my well worn Croc and start wacking the montster. I beat him savagely and still he clings to my ankle. The pain escalates. I scream, yell and jump up and down. I have no idea what the neighbors are thinking and I really don't give a dumb. Child birth was less painful than this.

Finally, hubby comes to my rescue and knocks me to the ground and starts rolling me across the lawn.

"Stop," I scream, "I'm not on fire. You do the stop, drop and roll when someone is burning."

Although I feel like I'm on fire and the pain is almost unbearable. We beat the ant with wild abandon. At last the demon is dead. My ankle swells instantly and turns red and hurts like hell.

I run inside and search the bathroom for pain relief. Nothing, nada, not even alcohol. I run to the kitchen and search for baking soda. Nuttin. What's wrong with my first aid essentials? The pain increases. Out of total desperation I grab the Saline Nasal Solution and spray away on my throbbing ankle. Wow - the pain stops. Who knew? This bottle goes directly into my empty First-Aide kit.